The year was 2000. I was newly divorced and I was a hot mess. I had spent the majority of my life serving God, doing ministry and trying to be a good Christian. But when my world fell apart, I felt completely unseen and alone.
I didn’t hate God. But I wasn’t ready to jump back on the Christian train and live like I had for the last 20ish years. I was done with rules, with fake and inauthenticity.
But I had a friend who was relentless. She just kept showing up no matter what I said or how I was living. Because of that, I found myself saying yes when she asked me to come to church and play keys one Sunday.
It was good to play but I was very detached from it all. Then someone asked me to sing. Ummmm, no. But I finally caved in. And I sang the first song that popped into my mind.
I always say that Holy Spirit has a great sense of humor and He leaves no stone unturned. I opened my mouth and here’s what came out:
“Once my soul was astray from that heavenly way. I was wretched and vile as could be. But the Savior in love gave me peace from above, when He reached down His hand for me.”
I know, right?!?! Of all the songs to pop into my mind…really, God?!?
When I started singing, I tangibly felt Holy Spirit settle on me. And I started arguing with Him in my mind. I kept telling Him he had no right to touch me right now because I wasn’t serving Him.
At the same time, my heart was completely undone. How incredibly kind that the Father reminded me He sees me and was still pursuing me.
But what really got me was the revelation of grace I received that day. I was reminded of the Father who waited on the porch looking for His prodigal son and the minute He saw him coming down the path…He ran to his kid.
That’s grace. And love. And a whole lot of other stuff. But for me that day, it was the start of my journey home, into the arms of my Father to learn about relationship and how to be His child.